Sorry for being MIA- only read if you like rants and emotional posts!!!

This post is gonna be me venting and writing out my struggles of 2018 so far. Which isn't usually my style. But I think it will be good therapy for me. Plus if you have been following me as a blogger and notice I fell of the face of the planet... here you will kinda get a glimpse of my life lately.

Its been a hard year, to say the least. I am now finally not feeling so exhausted, but unfortunately, this new found energy will be short-lived. Which you will find out if you continue to read this post.

I understand life is about living but also about death. And death hit home in January when my Grandpa passed away. This from an outside perspective figured it didn't affect me much. But that isn't the case for a person like myself(highly sensitive/empath). Because even though I wasn't very close to my Grandpa(not by my choice), doesn't mean I don't care or feel sadness. And for me, I just didn't know how to feel. Its a confusion feeling of what I think I should feel and what I actually do feel. And with that comes the whole inheritance issues that that side of the family didn't want to discuss. Most get an idea of what the Will says but since it was an inheritance of my father passed to my Grandpa first with his health issues. And now him passing then it would fall to me and my brother and sister. I don't like thinking about money but if it isn't addressed then my mind obsesses about it. So after a few months of not hearing anything about it, I had to address it. I sent a very tactful email, since that's the only way I have contact with them, and the response was in my opinion not nice. But how do they expect me to trust them when they only talk to me when they have to. I sent a card last easter, no response, I then sent them a Christmas card, also no response. Then, of course, they are all lovey-dovey after grandpa passed away. Its frustrating to me being left out, not knowing what is going on. So this has affected me a bit.

Ok, what next? So the last week of January I started to get pain(not intense) on my lower left pelvic area. This made me think I was possibly pregnant. I started taking it easy on my workouts and also lowered my caffeine intake to practically nothing. I waited till I was a week late on my period before I took a pregnancy test. Which was negative. But reading so many articles on how some pregnancies don't show up BFP until a few weeks after missed period. So for 2 months, I was confused on what was going on with my body. So I started spotting after being a week late in February. And then I had the worst cramps, more intense than a normal period. So I made my husband drive me to the ER. They told me that I should just make an appointment with the practitioner because they could do more long term. So they made an appointment for the next day. We went to the appointment and She didn't do much for me just made me take a pregnancy test and moved on. It was negative there too. So I called to figure out what to do because I was getting worse side pains. the receptionist told me I needed to wait another week to take another pregnancy test. So I took another piss test and of course they never called so that proved it was negative. In between that time I had my husband take me to ER again because of the pain, and they actually brought me back but of course, the doctor didn't want to do anything until the after the second piss test. It was all negative test. And useless trips for doctors to not do anything. At that point, I was just like fuck it. I started taking more caffeine again which helped give me energy to workout. I figured it is probably cysts since it isn't a pregnancy. And after a week of getting back into my normal routine, I didn't have any more pain. You could probably suggest it was from the stress of my grandpa dying, or possibly from intermittent fasting(which I know I didn't mention but would like to now). Since the doctors suck at helping, I did a lot of my own research. I had started doing intermittent fasting in January right after doing a 3-day juice fast. But I was reading that if you don't give your body a break from fasting(as a woman) that it can really mess with your hormones.  Another reason I believe it was cysts. It was a process of elimination and a lot of waiting and see. This 8 weeks really kept me debilitated and not motivated to write or do anything. Which was pretty depressing for me. Esp the part of me that was hoping it would be a pregnancy.

Anyways fast forward to about a week ago. My husband was getting ready to deploy for 6 months, so I had been mentally preparing for me being alone. But he found out that his mom wasn't getting better from chemotherapy, this is her second time of getting cancer. The doctors are saying she only has up to a year of life now. So now instead of us living in England for another two years, we are in the process of moving back to the states. That way he can be near her for her remainder of time left on earth. Whoa right!!! 

So my life is going to be hectic in about a week or so with the moving process.  At least I am feeling better from whatever the eff was happening down there. Needless to say, I have been dealing with so much lately. And this next year I know is going to be a challenge. Because even though I want to stay positive and try and do more holistic healing on my mother in law, its gonna take a lot of energy out of me. I know I will be praying and using magic to keep me going!!!

If anyone has advice or would like to give me more hope. I would love to hear it!!